Loyd Paton sat on a park bench, sitting with good posture and staring out to nowhere.
"Would you like to share with me?" The elderly man next to Loyd was wearing suspenders, and gesturing towards the pigeon feed he held (even though there weren't any pigeons in sight and he was just making a pile of seed that he was unaware of.)
"No, I'm afraid of commitments, sorry." Twenty-three-year-old Loyd Paton lied and broke the old man's heart.
Loyd spotted Hillary Clinton walking towards him, Hillary Clinton was his role model and looked up to her in every aspect. Loyd popped a tic-tac in his mouth and got himself pretty for Hillary, then he spotted Diana. Diana was also walking towards Loyd, she was about ten feet behing Hillary, completely ignoring the politician. Diana didn't have a last name, she not born out of a vagina, one day, a baby fell out of a tree and was named Diana, the story is a bit like Jesus meets the Grinch, and even moreso because she was studied and hailed as the second Jesus at first, but then everybody noticed how annoying she was and lost interest. Diana thought she was in the movie Titanic, and Loyd was her lover. Loyd thought Diana was annoying, Loyd ran away as soon as he saw Diana, even though he also had to leave Hilary Clinton.
Loyd ran out of the park he had been sitting in, Diana followed, she screamed; "I love you Jack!" "Watch out for that iceberg!" "Rosie O'Donnel just sunk all the lifeboats, now we're officially doomed." Loyd ran onto the street, he was out of breath, he shouldn't have stopped in the middle of the street, a humongous ginormous bigger than a cruise ship truck, ALMOST hit Loyd, but stopped in time. Then a helicopter fell out of the sky and crushed him to death.
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Diana as she watched Loyd die.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Goose Girl - My Version of a Cliffhanger
*
The three had just arrived on the rooftop of the dentist’s office, Smells Like Cabbage was enjoying the smell so much that she didn’t realize the stairs she was climbing were leading to an enormous height. As Goose Girl arrived on the rooftop she had a flashback to her bridge experience. Whoooosh, a flashback, spooky, it’s like dé ja vu, but it isn’t
“Quack.”
Thinking that was an excited “quack,” Thunderbolt said, “Okay, You first Goose Girl, jump to that office building.”
“Quack!”
“Okay now, take a running start.”
“Quack! Quack!” Smells Like Cabbage started for the stairs.
“What’s wrong Goose Girl?”
“The faster you jump, the faster I get crack!”
“Jump!”
Smells Like Cabbage shook her head and continued for the door, Thunderbolt pulled a walkie-talkie from his pocket.
“I’m calling the wizard of oz.”
In a terrified whisper; “But you said he was bad!”
“Not in real life, this is just pretending, girls play house, but big boys play superhero."
“Hello?” It came from the walkie-talkie. Smells Like Cabbage watched in silence.
“Wizard, it’s a code yellow, can you pick me up at Oxford Dentist Office? I’m with two sidekicks, their names are Goose Girl and Bill Gates.”
“Sure, I’ll be there right away Leslie.”
The messed up thirty-year-old whined; “Mooooooooooom! You gave away my secret identity!”
“Sorry Thunderbolt, but you didn’t have to give away my secret identity as well.”
“It’s fair this way.” In a dark and creepy voice.
*
“We’re here.” Thunderbolt’s mother sang out as the four walked into
“Let’s go to my computer room!” Leslie said as they made their way into a room filled with wires and monitors.
“He truly is a loser, but I still love him, because he’s my little Thunderbolt, yes you are, yes you are. He actually got his name from me because when he was going through his Harry Potter phase he would always use my makeup to make a thunderbolt scar on his forehead.” Thunderbolt’s mother said.
“Mooooooooooooom. You’re embarrassing me!” Thunderbolt was whiny once again, “and anyway, I was really little when I did that.”
“It was last week.” The strange mother chuckled.
“Anyways, the webcam’s on now, wanna do a big super hero fight still?”
“Son, that’s a little bit, um, well, gay.”
“Definitely gay.” The homeless guy chirped up.
“Quack.”
“Okay.” He lowered his head in sadness.
“But I can introduce all of us for your webcam if you’d like.” Thunderbolt’s mother just wanted to make her slightly retarded son happy.
“This is Bill Gates. I’m The Terrible Wizard of Oz, this is Thunderbolt, and this is Goose Girl.”
Once Thunderbolt’s mother said the words Goose Girl, the door was broken down, a man in a suit walked in looking casual and business-like, despite the fact that he just broke down a door.
“What’s wrong mister?” Thunderbolt’s mother was definitely scared.
“I just want to fight justice! Is that too much to ask?!” Thunderbolt yelled through tears.
“And I want crack!” The homeless man said happily.
“Quack.”
“Screw you guys, I just want Goose Girl.”
"Why? Are you an evil villain?” Thunderbolt was standing up now and very eager.
The man In the suit, started to chuckle, then his face became tense and he grabbed Goose Girl and ran out of the house.
The Goose Girl - Making Friends
“Spare some change?” An extremely old-looking homeless man had approached Smells Like Cabbage.
“Quack.” The fifty-four year old goose/woman had little to say.
“Spare some change, I said”
“Quack.”
“Come again?”
“Quack.”
“You have crack!?”
“Quack.” In a louder, harsher voice this time.
“Give me the stuff you damn kite flyer!”
“QUACK! QUACK!” Squelching out for help.
The homeless man gripped Smells Like Cabbage.
“Just give me the crack ma’am.”
“Quack, quack, quack!”
The man shook the goose lady, he was growing tense and threatening.
“QUACK!”
Then, a pudgy thirty-odd man wearing a tattered yellow bed sheet bounded down the sidewalk towards them.
“What’s going on here? Shall I serve justice?”
“Quack?” Probably meaning something along the lines of “what the hell?”
“No, I was just threatening her to give me crack.”
“Quack, quack.” While nodding her head in agreement.
“What is this my virgin ears are hearing? I’m astonished Conrad!”
“My name’s Ralph actually. Spare some change?”
“Got crack?”
“Quack.”
“No, I thought this person did, but it turns out I was wrong. It saddens me, really.”
“Anyway, will you two help me fight justice?” He put his fist out.
“I’m in!” The homeless man put his hand on top.
The tension rose, as the eyes fell on the goose lady, will she join them and fight crime or will she say no and obscure justice??????? You’ll find out right after this commercial break.
Buy Beans from Bernie! Your local bean provider! Who beats his beans? Soooooooooooooooooooooomebody! Children should remember there’s always somebody out there better than you, all that matters is that you gave it your best, not whether you won.
Back to the program.
“Quack.” Smells Like Cabbage placed her hand on top of the homeless man’s hand.
Yay!
“Let’s go! I hear there’s a terrible wizard of Oz on
“I’ll be Bill Gates – it raises my self-esteem.”
“And you?” This question directed at Smells Like Cabbage.
“Quack.”
“Easy enough, she can be Goose Girl. Let’s go Bill Gates and Goose Girl. Theme song time.”
“No, that’s gay.”
“Quack.” Nodding her head.
“Okay,” Thunderbolt was disappointed. “ Can we at least jump from roof top to rooftop?”
The Goose Girl - Introduction
This woman was, to be blunt, extremely ugly looking. She walked in a waddle fashion, she was short; about five feet tall. This woman’s legs were large round blobs of fat, the upper section of her body had funny shaped curves in all the wrong places, if you know what I mean my sista reader. The lady had eyes approximately six inches below her hairline, showing a wrinkled, large forehead. The two small beans that were her eyes were very close together, only divided by her round bubble-shaped nose. The lady’s moustache quivered as she licked her lips (there was a dentist’s office nearby, she loved the smell of a dentist’s office.) This woman is a Goose Girl. Duh Duh Duuuu!
Everything and everybody around the goose lady suddenly stopped, the goose lady turned and said; “Hi, I’m the goose lady, this is my non-clichéd way of telling you about my character. This way of introduction is actually meant for film or television, but the writer of this book is not good enough for film or television because there’s a couple things wrong with him. Anyway, I was rejected from my parents because I was lumpy, I was only two-weeks-old at the time and I was sent down a river Moses-style. When I was being shot at by Jennifer Aniston because of my lumpiness I was saved by a pack of geese. These geese raised me, they didn’t want to at first, but I bribed them with dish soap. I was named Smells Like Cabbage. As a teenage goose, my sister goose; Runs With Sandals, got everything, she was talented at all the goose activities (maybe because she was a real goose and I wasn’t, but you never know) I was always very jealous. When Runs With Sandals moved out with her goose boyfriend, Sleeps With All The Carrots, I was quite filled with self-pity. Then my adoptive goose parents divorced, it was quite heartbreaking; mother goose walked in on fathergoose at the pond with nothing other than a frog! How low can you get?! Now that my family was tearing apart, I couldn’t take it. So I did what I thought was right; I jumped off the bridge, I gave what I thought was my final squawk, and fell. Then I lived, damn it! I suffered terrible brain damage though, you see my brain was in the middle of my skull, but when I fell, my brain was smashed into the shape of a popsicle, the doctors thought that maybe if I hit my head again it may possible be meshed into the correct shape, but I decided I wouldn’t jump off any more bridges. Since the accident, I’ve thought I was a goose, I don’t speak, I only quack, quacking is more of a duck sound, I know, but my brain is the shape of a popsicle, remember. Anyway, the only reason I’m “speaking” English right now, is because the author of this book wasn’t smart enough to think of another way of introducing me. Anyway, I’m currently standing in front of a dentist’s office licking my lips.”
Hi
hi this is my first blog, im a 14 year old writer, and im going to use this blog for this short story type things called word salad, i hope its funny to people other than me, anyway, theyre all about a bunch of random weird people ad eventually they all meet each other and intercept, ill put one up in a few minutes
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